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Roving Torpedo

I was ornery without a cause. It was a day packed with errands and children and ticking pre Christmas deadlines. But within each moment I was doing things I freely chose to do.

  • learning a song for the Christmas program
  • buying yummy food
  • hanging ornaments with the twins
  • holding hands with John as we practiced our entrance
  • rescuing my granite counter from the dish pyramids
  • opening Christmas cards
There is a movie I saw long ago called Hunt for the Red October that comes to mind on days like today. Somewhere near the thrumming climax there is a torpedo launched by the enemy sub. It is a brainless bomb, only capable of pursuing the nearest target whomever that might be. While the torpedo follows the Americans through the dark water at frightening speed, the captain orders the pilot to navigate directly toward the Russian sub... and at the last second to veer sharply. The torpedo is doggedly following close behind them and when the submarine turns, it barrels forward too hastily to stop and eagerly latches to a new target. Its own mother ship. Kababablooom.
Whether or not my recollection of the movie is accurate the image nails how I felt today. Whomever I was near was my target. The car ahead of me is too slow. The child laughing in the living room is not clearing her plate. The other singers are better than me, or worse. John is ambling too fast or too slow.  The cards are pretty but can't those overachievers even pretend to be swamped and mail them after December 1st?
Self awareness is a baby step toward turning off the internal tracking device. Not everyone in my path is the enemy. 
And in my foolish pursuit of someone to blame I come screechingly close to blowing up John, whose love will ever be my mother ship.